Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Hope Faith Courage Love

It was a privilege to be invited to private and personal event organised by a very inspiring lady in the organisation. I was speechless to had listened to what she had gone through and not to be able to predict a single flaws due to the test Allah set on her. Hope, faith, courage and love is the word of the day. I'll share you her story when the right time comes. We were trusted to keep it within ourselves anyway. For now, lets just put a note on the day that  make me moved and touches my heart. May Allah guide her through this and above all felt the hidayah and benefit the ummah. Because she is real logam.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Buya Hamka - Dendam itu termasuk dosa.

I came across a story posted on FB on Buya Hamka's story with Soekarno. The rest of the story below

Pada 1964, ulama besar nusantara, Buya Hamka pernah ditahan secara zalim oleh Presiden Indonesia Soekarno,dengan tuduhan kononnya terlibat dalam rencana pembunuhan beliau. Hamka ditahan tanpa bicara, bahkan buku-bukunya dilarang untuk diedarkan.

Setelah Buya Hamka dibebaskan, taqdir Allah, akhirnya Soekarno digulingkan, dikenakan tahanan rumah, kehidupannya mulai terasing, lalu dalam keadaan uzur beliau meninggalkan pesan buat orang yang pernah dizaliminya, Buya Hamka. Ia berbunyi, “Bila aku mati kelak, minta kesudian Hamka untuk menjadi imam solat jenazahku..”

Apabila pesan itu disampaikan, Buya Hamka terkejut, tanpa fikir panjang, beliau melawat ke Wisma Yaso, tempat jenazah Bung Karno disemayamkan. Sesuai dgn wasiat Soekarno, Buya Hamka pun memimpin solat jenazah tokoh yang pernah menghumbankannya ke penjara itu. Dengan ikhlas beliau menunaikan wasiat itu, mereka yang hadir pun terharu.
Lalu, apakah Buya Hamka tidak menaruh dendam pada Soekarno? Dengan tulus ikhlas beliau mengatakan, “Aku tidak pernah dendam kepada orang yang pernah menyakitiku. Dendam itu termasuk dosa. Selama dua tahun empat bulan aku ditahan, aku merasakan itu semua merupakan anugerah yang tiada terhingga daripada Allah kepadaku, sehingga aku mampu menyelesaikan kitab tafsir Al-Qur’an 30 juz. Jika bukan dalam tahanan, tidak mungkin aku punya waktu untuk menyelesaikan pekerjaan itu…”

Kesimpulannya: Maafkanlah sesiapa pun yang memusuhimu, jangan sesekali menyimpan dendam, ketahuilah bahawa pasti ada hikmah di sebalik segala-galanya...

Reading a story of a person that is loved by Allah really touches the heart. Itulah kesan keakraban dengan Allah, yang seterusnya melahirkan satu tasawur terhadap dunia yang sungguh berbeza. Para solihin ini melihat ujian seumpama semut yg datang dan mengigit. Lalu dikuis semut itu, dan mereka meneruskan kehidupan dengan lebih optimis. Bahkan kehadiran semut itu, membuahkan kedekatan yang lebih tinggi dengan Allah.

Allah... jauh sungguh daku dari cintaMu. Untuk menganggap apa yang berlaku seumpama semut.

So a new definition of DETOX learn today - it means, melempar jauh, lalu melupakan apa yang terjadi, namun kejadian itu melahirkan satu lagi optimisma baru dalam mendepani dunia.

Mudahkan ya Allah.

Challenge yourself

One of the other way to distract yourself from destructive energy environment is to make yourself busy. Focus and busy doing something, that is more important rather than lingering in an issue that you cant solve (for now).

So little caliph today umi is challenging you, by reaching your maturity, you should finish hafazan juz 29. Hard? Your brother finished juz 30, and your sister manage to khatam more than your brother, and she was half way through juz 28 and 29. Yes that is the standard that they have set you dear.

So I expect, with the pace that they have set you in, and the greater ujian that allah tetapkan for you. Sure you gonna be fine.

So - first step - Surah Muzammil.

All the best, remember the reward that you'll get if you complete this.

Take care.


Monday, October 13, 2014

The email that never been sent (yet)

I've composed the following email on Friday, but let it be in the draft folder and waiting to send it on Sunday night, thinking the VP will open it that night and have a one to one discussion again first thing on Monday morning. (Yes that is how I feel that I am that important to her).

Dear xxxxx,
I hope this email reach you well. I treasure our last conversation we had in June and somehow it motivates me to lead xxxx. A lot of things happened since then. I've tried my best to stay positive and deliver the best for the team and company, but I have to admit I cannot do it anymore. I noticed the recent changes in the department, but honestly it is getting worst.  Each day I feel more and more demotivated and demoralised. I've lost my trust to the entire department's Management. I failed to cooperate, and I am sinking the boat. Worst is, it is effecting my life and health very badly.

I've tried to think why is this happening, and why it is getting worst and worst everyday. This company has managed to create a layer of middle management (SM & GM) that are excellent at managing, but lack of technical skills. By saying managing is delegating everything to the working level. I think you've noticed this and introduced the PSC Management effort. Frankly in our department, that was never been communicated to the working level. All the technical work were in the responsibility of the TL & below, and sadly, the other PSC management paper work is also being delegated. This provide a huge stress to us. With your technical standards (which we fully can comprehend why), the delegation and stress is piling up. Worst is, when we try to give feedback and suggestions what is the more efficient way to do it, it is flush down the drain, and they will wear their big boss cap without further justification. For me, this accumulation of frustrating experiences given by different individual is enough to course major destruction to my soul. Yes I am that weak.

I know this might be very minor to you and I also do not know how to end this. But I think you should also know that this is effecting at least half of E1 and E2 in our department. And you also should know that there are more and more TL like this (the middle management) in the making. As for me, I hope you understand that I am not strong to hold this position in this destructive working environment. I am clear that my intention of going to work everyday is to contribute, making an impact to people around me, and stay happy. But these clearly is not happening anymore. This would be my last attempt to communicate and hope some changes will happen.

Thank you.

But last night hubby asked, "have you send the email?"
I said no. I've realized, it is not the time yet. I've realized, all I do so far (well not all but majority of it), is complaining. I've realized even if I send it, I probably will satisfied and have the everything in my heart poured out and another person knows about it, but then how long will it last? 2 minutes. But then I still have to put up with the dodgy moron again...

Yes the destruction has been done.  A lot in fact. I've cried, countless time thinking of this. But the destruction is in my heart. I need to find ways to cure it from within. Yes external factor will help, but what if it doesn't, which in a lot of cases, it does not help. I've spoken to the managers, but it only created a bigger scar in my heart. So, now I am making a statement, I cannot change the external situation. But I can change how I feel, how to react, what to do about myself.

And yes lil caliph, I am telling this to you, you can do it insyaAllah. we have a lot of resources around us to do it. We have such a supportive understanding family, we have our brothers and sisters in islam that are bind with ukhuwah that are always praying for our best. We have the Quran, and on top of everything, we have Allah. He is always there for us. Don't forget your daily istighfar. That's the keyword dear. Staying close to him will make you stronger. Yes don't worry, we'll figure it out when is the best time to tell it to her, but at the moment, we have to make ourselves stronger and fight this. Yes you are always a fighter. But stop fighting with people outside, start fighting the syaitan inside.

Take care.


Sunday, October 12, 2014


Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,

Yes I haven't been blogging for ages. Why now. A LLOOTT of things happened since the last post. Haven't really had time to blog. Haven't really thought much about blogging either. This blog have revolve from and "online diary" when I was at school to more about serious thoughts and family.

Ok what's now. I have really big problem. Yes big is relative. It depends on what condition you are currently in, the supportive/non supportive environment around you, and your emotion. To cut it short, I've been in this condition (with a lot of ups and downs really) for the past 2 1/2 years.

I realized today, I keep on lingering on pasts issues because I don't get over it. I probably have grunge, maybe towards a lot of people. Mainly the department's Management. Yes I am that straight forward, because this post is meant to DETOX.

So from now onwards, insyaAllah these are my plans. I really hope Allah will make it easy for me.
1. Slowly, slowly put the grunge away.... This is bloody hard (mind the words but that is how dramatic it is).
2. Trying to stay positive, and move forward... This is not that hard but give the above this can be hard as well.
3. Not to lose temperament. Yes I've lost this a couple of times since a month ago. Relax, maintain composure, istighfar.
4. Share what I do to put all the negative thoughts away. This will include all the draft emails that never been sent.
5. Working toward resignation. InsyaAllah.

So little caliph. Remember, ummi is struggling hard to overcome all the negative feelings. Yes, you also have to do it to. This is our JIHAD. Insyaallah with the help of allah, and the quran we will do it together.

Love, Ummi.