Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Leaving PETRONAS Part 2 - I'm SORRY

So then finished the first interview episode. As an initial conclusion, even before seeing the monetary benefit, they sort of got me on board.
From Bangladesh to New Zealand. Definitely an offer not to be missed.
So then I go back home. Not knowing whether I passed the technical interview or not. But overall I have a good feeling.
But was I happy? Hell no. The moment I step in into my reality office the anger and the stress just poured down at my face. Saying something like, here you, wake up from your dream. This is your life. All the grunge and hatred just conquering me again and again I yes I am not happy.
A chat with a VP
The news that I started making move outside doesn't get very long to come to the VP's knowledge. Last time we had a conversation was like 3 months ago, and my former SM moved. Now I have a "challenging situation" with the new SM. We had another serious talk. I mentioned what I am not happy with. I showed her my roadmap. I confess that I do have grunges. There were occasions that happened between me and my superior, that it keeps hitting and like a big movie, keep on playing in front of me and I just cannot control myself from not feeling angry, demotivated, stressed and well you just name all the not good feeling.  
"You are still very young, with a lot of potential, I don't want you to make a mistake" this vividly some of her words.
Basically, the conclusion of the meeting is exactly what my husband tell me everyday. Go clean, meet your SM and tell him all your concerns. Some of it is valid, some of it might be not. And don't put your anger into someone that is not related. She also suggested to meet a psychiatrist. Just in case to rule out depression.
I walked off that room not feeling relief. I know I have to confront him. But I don't have the strength. My team is my strength to get through this tough time. But to confront him, I just cannot.
What sort of strength that you are looking for?
And strength doesn't mean anger.
I'm afraid of my own expectation. I am afraid that even after I confess and confront, things still wouldn't change. How could I face the situation again after all the energy spent to confront but it still doesn't change. I am weak, and I cannot let myself to get hurt again.
The next step
I stayed a bit longer that Friday evening. The next day, I supposed to have a weekend gateaway with my family, but hey she just ruined it I thought.
I cried again for the countless time. How am I going to get through this?? I am still long for my delivery. Then I just browse for a psychiatrist. Book an appointment. lets try this. What if I am totally in depression. I practically cry when I called. I don't want to go home in this state. I'll ruined everyones' feeling. then I called my sister. lucky she was still in the office. I went to her room. Practically had another session of crying and confession.
It felt a bit relief. I went home. But then again, everyone's mood was down because, umi is just finish another round of crying.
"Umi kena marah lagi ke?" my son asked. Oh no dear. I am just too weak to face all this challenge.
"there surely a reason why allah sent certain people to us. He wants to make us ready for a greater challenge" this basically the words from my sister that keep on lingering on my ears.
"be thankful that your ujian is actually in the office. Imagine if its happening in the family.." another good words from her.
The munajat.
To Allah is where we should turn to. Again, I meet Allah. confess it again to him. And after subuh prayer that Saturday morning. I just looked outside the window, and suddenly Allah sent an ilham to me.... "send a card, saying I'm Sorry"
The last time I make and send a card is to my husband. So I asked his permission to send a card to both my SM and GM. I actually went the trouble to buy the papers, and make the card.
Yes the next morning, I put the card on the bosses table. Going through the exercise is so released.
Now I've realized that the strength that I was looking for is...
To forgive myself sincerely. to accept that I make mistake too.
To ask forgiveness sincerely, and not to expect anything from them.
I also realized that, hurting other people actually doesn't cure the problem, it hurts you more.
And yes. The atmosphere totally changed. My relationship and my team's relationship with my SM totally changed. Not just my team members notice it, but people from outside notice the tone, the gesture, and the feeling. Yes human, as professional as we want to be, we still have feelings that creates the entire atmosphere of working environment.
Alhamdulillah. It was a life discovering journey. I treasured this moment so much. I treasured the lesson so much. And for the first time, I think we made a great team. I spell out my limitations. And he covers it. And I love working with the team more and more.

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